Are you a grandma who needs to be right? If so, you may be heading for trouble with your grandchild’s parents. When you write to an advice columnist and start out, “I still think I’m right,” you’re not seeing the whole picture – only your side. You’re not going to build mutual trust and respect with that attitude and you definitely will not endear yourself to the expectant parents.
In the letter below, “Reluctant Grandma” wrote to my favorite advice columnist, Amy Dickinson. She explained she won’t host a baby shower for her son’s pregnant girlfriend because the parents should be married. Her one-sided attitude prevents her from empathizing with her future grandchild. Amy scolds the grandma for putting a burden on him before he’s even born. Grandma’s blaming the baby for something that wasn’t his fault. He didn’t ask to be born.
I saw red flags the minute I read this grandma’s letter. Based on her letter, the grandma:
- needs to be right
- is judgmental
- is not accepting
- is unsupportive
- is forcing her rules, values and limitations
I love Amy’s advice to create a circle of support for the new parents-to-be. Accept and welcome the new arrival with open arms and hearts. If she doesn’t, that baby is going to start life at a disadvantage.
People who feel like they’re always right tend not to be good listeners — one sure way to destroy a relationship.
Letter to Ask Amy
Dear Amy: I know I’m old-fashioned, but I still think I’m right!
My son has been dating a young lady for about six months. They live together. She has a 3-year-old child and no relationship with that child’s father. Now she and my son are expecting a child of their own.
I am not thrilled. He is 29 and she is 24. They would like me to host a baby shower for them.
I’m sure I will love the baby, but I am not comfortable asking friends and family to celebrate this pregnancy.
I don’t want to alienate them, but I really don’t want to do this. I did offer to host a wedding for them. I think parents should be married.
— Reluctant Grandma
Amy’s Answer
Dear Reluctant: If you don’t want to host a shower for the baby, then perhaps the child’s mother has someone in her life who will step up.
If you refuse to celebrate this pregnancy, and you won’t ask, expect, or encourage others to celebrate this pregnancy, then — aside from the couple’s marital status — this baby is already starting life disadvantaged.
Baby showers are intended to create a circle of support for expectant parents, but they are really supposed to be about the baby. Your old-fashioned standards are putting quite a burden on a baby that didn’t ask to come into this world and hasn’t been born yet.
Imagine the difference between a child that is born into an accepting and welcoming relationship with its grandmother, versus a grandmother that disapproves of and is disappointed by its existence because of the parent’s marital status.
It is understandable and natural not to be thrilled by an unexpected pregnancy to unmarried parents who haven’t been together for very long. But the time to start the process of learning to love this baby is now.
