Open any book on grandparenting and you’ll find it. The #1 rule for grandmas is don’t give unsolicited advice. We can quickly get into trouble once we cross into that place of “just wanting to help.”
Our adult children don’t appreciate our advice and often feel defensive when they hear it. They may see our genuine desire to share some “profound wisdom” as a criticism of their behavior. Giving advice when they didn’t ask you for it is one of the biggest sources of conflict between the generations.
In Nanaville, New York Times best-selling author, Anna Quindlen, devotes a full chapter to this subject. She titles the chapter: Did They Ask You?
Quindlen describes her understanding of this rule as “when she truly got nana religion.” Prior to her enlightenment, she spoke in declarative sentences: That baby is tired. That baby is hungry. That boy is sick. As she reflected on her behavior, she realized how dangerous it is to talk as though your words are written on stone tablets.
“Nana judgment must be employed judiciously and exercised carefully. Be warned: those who make their opinions sound like the Ten Commandments see their grandchildren only on major holidays and in photographs.”
There are really only two commandments of Nanaville: love the grandchildren and hold your tongue.
Refrain from giving advice
Grandparents who try to exercise their power and exert their control do so at their peril, especially with parents who may already be feeling frazzled and unsure — which is most parents much of the time.
Being a good grandparent requires you to bring the past to the table and let go of it in the face of change. It’s easy to feel defensive if your son or daughter is doing things differently than you did, as though the differences are a rebuke. But so much of the change our adult children exemplify is a change for the better.
It’s natural for us grandparents to see these shifts and push back against them. Don’t. Each generation inevitably gets better with the help of new information and technology.
There are so many people giving young parents conflicting information and telling them that they are botching what they understand is the most important job they will ever have. They sure don’t need Nana adding to the din. If anything, they need us telling them to ignore the naysayers and follow their gut.
Of course, it’s much easier to zip it when you and your adult children are on the same page about what’s good for kids. But there are bound to be mistakes, especially when you’re a new grandma. Making mistakes early, about things not quite so important, is almost a requirement in your grandma education journey.
If you only remember this #1 rule — don’t give unsolicited advice — you’ll endear yourself to your children and who knows, they may even ask your opinion some time!
While I had a MIL who gave everyone unsolicited advise, sometimes if you deliver a suggestion in just the right way, adult children will hear you. Delivery with humor and vulnerability can make a difference. I DO wonder however, are our adult children so fragile, they cannot have a meaningful conversation about advise?