How do you learn to be a grandma? Contrary to popular myth, grandparenting does not come completely naturally, any more than parenting does. That myth can make us feel inadequate when we encounter those inevitable challenges that are part of all complex relationships.
Learning to Be a Grandma
What can we do to help us learn how to navigate this incredibly rich and complicated role of modern grandma?
- We can read inspiring books on grandparenting.
- We can remember what we loved about our own grandmas, if we were blessed to have them.
- We can talk to other grandmas, which is my reason for starting the GaGa Sisterhood.
- We can learn by doing and sometimes making those inevitable mistakes that occur in any complicated relationship.
Read Books
You can’t always rely on your instincts, says Dr. Lillian Carson. Her book, The Essential Grandparent: A Guide to Making a Difference, was the first book I read after I became a grandma. Relationships are much more complicated and we need to think before we act. Young parents can be very sensitive to what we say to them and even the simple comment, “Oh, her little feet are cold,” might easily be taken as criticism by new parents.
Imagine you’re a diplomat and think about the impact your responses might have on your relationship with your son or daughter. Carson suggests you adopt a mindset of consciousness and you’ll have a better chance of coming across as supportive without interfering or sounding judgmental. When you actually do express your views, try to do it without alarm or judgment, and then be ready to let go of the outcome.
Emulate Your Role Models
I was blessed to have two wonderful role models for grandmas. Both my maternal and paternal grandmas were vibrant, fun-loving women who were in my life until I was a mature adult.
My paternal grandma came to the U.S. in 1936 from Lithuania. She learned English, worked everyday in the family clothing store, and was very outgoing with all the customers. Keeping close family ties and celebrating all the holidays were important values to her. I’ve carried on those same values as a parent and grandparent by striving to build loving relationships and family traditions with my grandchildren and adult children.
My maternal grandma was my best friend. She was born in San Francisco. I loved listening to her stories of camping out in Golden Gate Park during the 1906 earthquake. I had sleepovers with her as often as I could. She got down on the floor to play Jacks and board games with me. When I graduated from high school, we took a 3-week vacation by train across the U.S. We took family vacations together every summer and I’ve carried on that tradition with my grandchildren.
Talk to Other Grandmas
When I witnessed the birth of my first granddaughter in 2003, I went completely “gaga!” When I came back down to earth and started settling into my role as a new grandma, I quickly discovered I was in brand new territory. My relationship with my daughter began to change — the heirarchy had shifted and now she was calling the shots. I needed to talk to other grandmas and find out what their experiences were like. I created the GaGa Sisterhood so that grandmas could talk about their joys and challenges and help each other travel this fascinating journey together.
Learn by Doing
Any time we take on a new role, it’s inevitable that we’ll make mistakes. The best way to recover from a grandma blunder is to apologize quickly and sincerely, then try to learn the lesson the experience has taught us. Just as when our adult children were young, the early stages of any new relationship can be difficult. Both children and parents are unsure of the boundaries of conversation. But as the years pass, parents grow less defensive of their adult role and grandparents develop confidence in their roles in this evolving relationship. Learning to communicate with our adult children requires that we build mutual trust and respect. The best advice I’ve found is to lead with an open heart, an open mind and be ready to listen.
