During her ten years as Stanford University’s dean of freshmen, Julie Lythcott-Haims noticed a startling rise in parental involvement in students’ lives. Every year, more parents were exerting control over students’ academic work, extracurricular activities, and career choices. The parents were taking matters into their own hands rather than risk their child’s failure or disappointment. Meanwhile, Lythcott-Haims encountered increasing numbers of students who, as a result of hyper-attentive parenting, lacked a strong sense of self and were poorly equipped to handle the demands of adult life.
In her new book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success, Lythcott-Haims draws on research and conversations along with her own insights as a mother of two teens to highlight the ways in which overparenting harms children, their stressed out parents, and our society at large. She explains that parents have to run a lot of interference for their kids to keep them safe and make sure they get the right opportunities. To help them be successful, they accompany them everywhere and try to control as many outcomes as they can. In many cases, they fear they won’t be successful without their involvement. “Being there” has become a core part of their efforts, mind-set, and sense of accomplishment as parents.
Why We Must Stop Overparenting
Today’s parents don’t trust the systems and authority figures governing the lives of their kids. So they’ve created a role for themselves, a position that’s partly personal assistant and partly like the role high-end publicists play in the lives of some Hollywood stars: observer, handler, and often, go-between. The former dean observed that parents were overly involved in the lives of their college students by hovering, acting as their kids’ eyes and ears, anticipating their problems, providing paperwork, and intervening when questions needed to be asked or answered. Not only didn’t parents trust the systems, they also didn’t trust their kids to be able to work out their own problems.
In her book, Lythcott-Haims chronicles dozens of stories of kids whose parents have fallen into what she calls the “overparenting trap.” The harm doesn’t just come from pushing but from denying, she says. As helicopter parents cushion their kids from life’s challenges, they deny them opportunities to build resilience. As they manage their kids’ homework and do battle with coaches and teachers, they deny them an understanding of how the world works or the experience of standing up for themselves.
Dare to Parent Differently
One of the most important parts of Lythcott-Haims’ book is the final section titled “Reclaim Your Self.” She says that “if we walk our kid’s path with and for them, we’re not only depriving them of the chance to build self-efficacy, we’re also depriving ourselves of the chance to continue to construct our own path.” It’s not selfish to make room for the things we value in life and by doing so we become good role models for our children. She offers suggestions for ways parents can look after themselves:
- Discover your passion and purpose, and chart your path accordingly.
- Learn to say no.
- Prioritize your health and wellness.
- Make time for your most important relationships.
- Practice kindness and gratitude.
One key piece of advice to remember: Saying you just want your kid to be happy puts enormous pressure on the child. They feel if they’re not happy, they’re failing. Periods of unhappiness are okay and our kids need to know that; it’s the struggle that makes you who you are.
